to my late father, azman

 

dear abah, 

if i had another chance to talk to you i will certainly take my time to do things differently.

sorry for the times where i thought you were always wrong because of hurting mum’s feeling without even listening to your part of the story. deep down inside, sometimes i really know how you feel and even oppose my mum cos i know you needed the attention that is why you behave that way. i myself behave in that way whenever i crave attention. i understand you abah. i really do. its just that those words couldnt come out from my mouth at that point of time. 

i will miss the sound of your keys opening the door, your countless scoldings when i’m driving recklessly on the road every single time we rent a car, our dinners at cck park with all the jokes and laughters, your late night/early morning golf series, your calls to ask me what i want for breakfast, your motorbike rides to work and school, your jokes while watching malay dramas and movies, your presence when i reach home late from work, the awkward but comforting silence in the lift as we proceed home together, your constant reminder about the electricity bill going up due to our usage, your bus rides to school.

i really regret that every single time i reach home i never salam you while the others did. if i have known, i will certainly do that every single time i meet you and give you a hug. sorry for giving you the cold shoulder for the past 10 years in my life. after what you have done to umi, i thought that you were just a figure, not more. but i was mistaken. you contributed and helped me in ways which i didnt see. your constant support in getting my driving licence, your support in getting my needs of the laptop for school, the amount of money you contributed for the holidays the family went to. i’m sorry that i didnt even gave enough of my pay to you to pay back your contribution. i only remembered i gave you once and i thought that was enough. i’m sorry i only bought a keychain for you when i was in bangkok despite you giving me a huge amount for my trip. idk why i felt that i wanted to know you better last month, your life stories and all - but i didn’t have the time. i’m really sorry abah if i was an unfilial daughter. i’m sorry i took you for granted.

when i see you lying there lifeless, all i thought about was that you were sleeping and you could wake up. i tried calling your name in my heart to wake you up but it was hopeless. there’s nothing i could do to make you come back. i thought i was really in a bad dream and all this didnt happened but when it was the last time i kissed your face, reality hit me hard. your skin was as cold as ice. in my heart i was crying and the only words i could say was i love you abah. 

if you were still here, i would certainly do things differently. i will cherish the times we had, spend more time with you and hug you as and when i want to but i know it was too late.

i will take care of umi and the rest, insyallah. i hope your passing will be a smooth one and allah will help you throughout your journey in the other world.

your loving daughter,

nasyita

xoxo